If you ask me now I will tell you I will always love her

And no matter what path I travel in the future
I will always believe breaking up with Meredith
Is one of the greatest regrets of my life

The day I break up with Meredith, I get into a car accident. I hit my brake in stop-and-go traffic but don’t hit it soon enough. It’s a minor fender bender with no injuries or significant damage, but the cops take my license and give me a ticket for "failure to slow down to avoid an accident". I have to admit, my thoughts are distracted by my doubts of whether breaking up with her was the best decision for us. My doubts are very strong, and my original decision didn’t feel very right, so I take my car accident as a sign telling me that I made the wrong choice.

I call her the next day and apologize with everything I have and everything I am, telling her I want to be with her and I’ll do anything and everything it takes for us to be together and make things work. She tells me that, after only one day, that’s not what she wants anymore and she’s over me. I don’t believe her, telling her she can’t be over me that quickly, she can’t stop loving me that easily. I don’t believe she’s being honest with me or herself in telling me that she feels nothing for me anymore. But this is what she tells me, these are her words. We argue and fight as I beg her for another chance that she doesn’t want to give me, and the conversation ends.

This is about 2½ weeks before I’m supposed to leave for Denver. Before all of this began, I planned on flying out to spend a few days in Colorado with Meredith, then we would fly out to Las Vegas together for my family’s annual reunion. All of our travel plans were booked and set. After our break-up, there was the question of whether or not I should still go to see her in Colorado. What it comes down to is that I love her and want to fight for her, fight for us to be together. I’m willing to change myself and my life if it means being with her, so my trip out to Denver is still on as planned.

I pay the fine for my traffic ticket immediately and can only hope I get my license back before I leave. In the meantime, I'm trying to find someone to come with me to Colorado, mainly for moral support, in case I have a harder time than I think dealing with the situation. My cousin Vahlen was in the process of moving to Vegas, where her parents are and where her brother Sean was going to be. Shipping all her stuff or renting a truck one-way were both pretty expensive, so she was looking for other means to transport her life out West. She finds a company that matches people who need their cars transported across the country but don’t want to pay shipping costs with drivers that want to travel but not have to pay for a rental car. As fate would have it, there’s an SUV that needs to be driven from Chicago to Denver, around the same time as when I’m supposed to head out there. I take this as a sign telling me that going to Denver is the right decision.

The plan is this - Vahlen and her brother's friend Sasha are going to pack up her stuff and drive cross-country from Chicago to Denver, then rent another car one-way and road trip to Vegas in time for the reunion. The three of us work out the timing so that we can meet up in Denver and they’ll hang with me through whatever happens.

A few days before I leave, I twist my ankle, not bad enough for crutches, but bad enough for bandages and painkillers. And because I’m on vacation in a few days, I’m still working the 10-plus hour shifts on my feet at the restaurant with no chance of time off. If that isn’t enough, my license doesn’t make it back to me before I leave, so there’s no chance in me renting a car on my own.

My flight out has connection in Dallas and I’m scheduled to arrive in Denver before noon. Again, as fate would have it, my flight out of Chicago is delayed about two hours, causing me to miss my connection in Dallas. So now I’m limping all over the Dallas airport on a swollen ankle trying to get on 3 different standby flights. I finally get a seat on the third flight that leaves around 1:30pm, bringing me into Denver around 3:30pm.

I call the ranch Meredith works at and leave a message letting her know I’m in Denver. I hook up with Vahl and Sash and we go to rent another car. They already spent the morning finding a Hotel and booking a room for the night. Vahlen has a driver’s license but no credit card, and I have a credit card but no license. Sasha is the only one with a license and a credit card, so he’s the only one who can rent a car. They still have the Chicago to Denver SUV with all of Vahlen’s stuff in it, so we rent another SUV and transfer her things to the new rental, and return the Chicago to Denver car to its owner on schedule. At this point, it’s well after 5:00pm.

Meredith is in Parshall, Colorado, which is still about 2 hours and 120 miles West of Denver. Leaving Denver at this point would bring me out there around 8:00pm. And knowing that it would be the same 120 miles back driving at night through the mountains after a full day of frustrating travel in whatever emotional state I would be in after meeting with Meredith, going out there meant staying out there in a motel instead of coming back to Denver.

So here's how the situation sums up - I'm tired and frustrated and stressed and limping around on a painful swollen ankle, having to drive out 2 hours through unfamiliar mountains and country to a place I've never been, driving on a traffic ticket and no driver’s license in a rental car not under my name with all my cousin’s valuables and belongings in the back, putting myself into a situation where I don’t know what could happen, not even knowing how much time I’d get to spend with Meredith if she wanted to spend much time with me at all, fighting for someone and a relationship that she no longer wants to fight for, then having to spend the night alone in the middle of nowhere after all is said and done anyway.

The situation becomes one of two things - a sign or a test

If it’s a test, it’s testing how far I’ll go to see her, how much I’ll put myself through for one more chance. To be honest, I don’t know what decision means I pass and what decision means I fail, but I know it’s still in my heart to fight. So never mind the tiredness and frustration and stress and pain, or the 2 hour mountain drive without a license in someone else’s car, or the trouble I may get myself into and shit that I’ll put myself through. For another chance to be with her, there’s no question about my decision. I’ll go through it all and risk everything I have, and I’d already be on my way to see her.

But now, I’m not the only one who has a something to lose
And this is the right reason for me to change my mind

I’ve got two other people I care about, Vahlen and Sasha, who directly have something to risk in my decision as well. After everything they’ve done for me, I don’t want to put them into a situation where they have a stake in what could happen to their lives. It isn’t right to drive a car under Sasha’s name when I don’t even have a license. It isn’t right to take Vahlen’s things in the middle of nowhere where anything could happen. And after all I’ve been through, for the past days, weeks, and months, I see this situation to be less of a test and more of a sign, like all the other signs, but this one telling me not to go.

When I tell Vahlen and Sasha that I’m not going, they question me. I explain my thoughts and they tell me that I shouldn’t let them stop me from going. In fact, they’re ready to eat the cost of the Hotel in Denver and go with me. I tell them that it’s not necessary. That’s when I realize and remember how incredible my family and friends really are. Through this entire break-up, and all my life for that matter, they’ve been there for me, doing everything they can to help me deal with it all. And I admit, I can be a tough person to deal with, but they love me and went through what I put them through. My Mom, my sisters, and the rest of my family and friends, on both my side and Meredith’s side, helped get me through everything to this point. They supported me even if they disagreed with me. They gave me insight and perspective when my judgment was biased and cloudy. They told me things I needed to hear even if I didn’t want to hear them.

My family and friends love me the way people should love each other – unconditionally

This is the way I learned to love
This is the way I love Meredith
This is the way I wish she would love me

As we get back to the hotel, Meredith calls me wondering where I am. I tell her I’m still in Denver, and she asks when I’ll be out in Parshall. I tell her I’m not coming. She reacts angrily, telling me that she’s not driving out 2 hours to Denver to see me. I tell her I’m not asking her to, and another argument begins. I explain the entire situation and why I’m not coming to see her. She believes that I’m giving up the fight. And even though we’ve been broken up for 2½ weeks and she’s said in past conversations that it’s over and she’s over me and she’s moved on,

Now she tells me that we’ll never know
What could have happened
If I came out to see her

I tell her she can’t say that. If she’s already over and done with me, she can’t question the what-if-I-see-him possibilities. I tell her she needs to tell me if she has doubts about ending us, if she still has feelings for me, if she thinks she can give us another chance to make it work. I tell her if she tells me that she’s even thinking about giving us another chance, I’ll leave Denver right now at this moment to come see her. I’ll take Vahlen and Sasha with me and give up the hotel in Denver, drive 2 hours through the mountains, see her for whatever little time I may see her for, and spend the night out there in a motel, if she tells me that there’s hope for us. I beg and plead and beg even more for her to tell me to come out there if she wants to see me, if there’s a part of her that still loves me. I tell her I still love her with everything I have and will do everything I said I would do if she gives us another chance. I tell her my fight isn’t over, but she has to tell me that there’s hope, even the smallest bit of hope, that I’m fighting for.

All she has to do is to say something, anything that tells me, even the smallest piece of her in the hidden corners of her heart, her mind, or her soul, that she still feels something for me, and I’ll go see her and fight to the ends of the earth for her love.

She tells me that it’s over and that this is the best decision for us

I promised myself before I got to Denver that no matter what I believe about what Meredith says to me, in the end I would take her at her word. Maybe the cliché is true, that actions speak louder. So maybe I should have gone to see her, maybe it would have made a difference, or maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference at all. Unfortunately with actions, there are always too many “maybes”, too many ways to guess what actions mean. Actions may speak louder than words, but sometimes we can’t be sure of what they’re saying.

But whether we use one or the other, actions and words have something in common – we must take responsibility for everything we do and everything we say. I take full responsibility for all I’ve said and done, in this relationship and throughout my entire life. I accept my actions of breaking up with Meredith, of going out to Denver, and of not going to see her, and I accept the consequences of those actions as well. I believe in everything I’ve said and continue to say, knowing that my words are completely honest and true, both to me and to those who hear them. I live my life with a true integrity, to the best of my ability, and live through whatever my choice or my fate may set in front of me.

I believe Meredith still has feelings for me. I believe she’s wrong in thinking that this is the best decision for us. I believe I know Meredith well enough to know she doesn’t stop feeling love that easily, especially a love as amazing and incredible as ours.

No matter what path I travel in the future
I will always believe breaking up with Meredith
Is one of the greatest regrets of my life

And if you ask me now I will tell you I will always love her

But Meredith tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore

So whether or not she is being honest with me or with herself and
Whether or not she takes responsibility for what she’s said and done

And whether or not I believe her

If this is what she tells me
I will take her at her word

And the conversation ends

Copyright © 2006 Dempsey Lagrimas Jr.